I feel like you are here again (even if you are not anymore)
by magnetic.thunder
Summary: After Team Arrow stands up against Oliver and Diggle give him a pep talk, he visits an old friend and pours out his heart. Nothing serious, but I needed to write out my frustation from this weeks episode. Oliver is a bit OOC and I can't imagine a scene like this happening on the show but even the greatest heroes need to talk to somebody. Digg has a brief appearance.


**Hi there again! It's been a while but I really wasn't in a writing-mood. And now I'm gonna have a break from the show'cause I just can't take in all these poorly written interactions between the characters. I hope this is gonna change but now I lost all my hope. I can't promise there will be new updates but maybe there will be because my brain is working a mile per hour when I'm furious. :)**

**Anyway, this episode had a big impact on me so here it is. I hope you like this little one-shot and I don't frighten you all away with my rambling. Oliver is a bit OOC, but I think deep in his soul he is still a sensible human like anyone there so... you'll see! I need him to have a proper goodbye from Sara. I apologize for any grammatical or spelling mistakes, English isn't my first language. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Hello Sara. It's been a while since we talked."

Oliver had been standing in the dark cemetery in front of Sara's grave for a very long time that seemed like hours. After the team 'kicked him out' of the foundry and Digg talked with him, he didn't find his place. He thought about going home and check in on Thea but then he changed his mind and just drive through the city aimless. When he finally arrived to the cemetery, he instantly knew where he had to go.

"I don't know what to do, Sara. On the island and after you came back usually you were the one who could understand me and your advices always helped me somehow. But now... you are gone and I don't know what is right anymore. You would say that I have Diggle, Roy and Felicity but what if I don't anymore? It seems to me they are perfectly fine without me."

When there was no answer, he sighed and looked up at the sky. Cool breeze reached his face and he closed his eyes briefly.

"On the island you asked me if I remember when I spilled my beer at you on one of Tommy's party? I still don't. Like the other little things before the island. I don't remember how I felt when I first saw Thea, what we were playing with Tommy, my birthdays, my first kiss with Laurel... it's all gone. When I think about the past all I can see is Lian Yu, the pain and the hopelessness. I feel the wetness of the ground, the smell of the trees and I hear the ocean smash into the rocks. I remember Hong Kong, Amanda Waller, Maseo and his family, mainly how lonely I felt at the beginning. I have never had to rely on others, but then I came back."

He knelt down next to the tombstone and paused. It was still difficult to speak to a dead person, even if he had a lot of people whom he lost. He touched Sara's name and smiled bitterly when he saw the date of her death, seven years earlier than the real one. He felt it unfair that they had to bury her in her original tomb so nobody knew that she died, truly this time. She died as a hero and nobody knew it. Would it be like this in his case too?

"When I pulled Diggle and Felicity into my crusade I didn't think that they were gonna have this impact on my personal life too. They were just the ex-military and the IT girl from my family's company, but then I get to know them and vice versa. They became family, the brother I've never had and the woman I love. You knew it, didn't you? That I love Felicity. I'm sure you knew even before I knew."

He smiled again, this time with the softness he used when he thought about Felicity. What if he wouldn't be the Arrow, he don't need to protect the city and his loved ones even with the sacraficing of his own life? He often tried to imagine his life without his 'night-time activities' as Felicity liked to call it, but then he would always got it out of his head. If it weren't for his mission, he would have never met her. He would still be the billionare playboy like he was before he was stranded on an island, maybe he would still be with Laurel. His parents, Tommy and Sara would still be alive.

"Once you said that we need people in our lives who doesn't wear masks as we are. You were right. I need them, sometimes more than they think but in my position I often have to make the decision to push them away from myself. If they are with me, they are in danger, and I can't let them die because of me. They need to be alive even if I'm not in their lives anymore. Today Digg told me that this is not only my crusade anymore. After I disappeared they realized they are fighting for themselves as much as they are fighting for me. As I saw them standing up against me together I realized they don't need me anymore. Not as the leader who protect them at least. But what if they don't need me in their life too?"

He stopped again and took a ragedy breath before he continued. He didn't give attention to the arriving car and the person who got out.

"Times like this the hardest without you. You said that you had no light inside of you but you know what, it was okay because I don't have either. You were the only one who knew what I went through and what effects that things leave on someone's soul. But now... I have nobody and it scares me what I have to do in order to save my family, again. You know maybe they would be better of not having me in their life. The city is completely safe in their hands, they don't need me anymore. My only goal is to defeat Ra's Al Ghul and save Thea from him. Then... I don't know. It's unnecessary to think about the future, right? I might die during the fight as I should have the first time."

He laughed bitterly again as he stood up and took a deep breath. He heard footsteps approaching behind him but they were too far away from him to hear exactly what he said.

"You know what I would like to do now? Pack all my things and run away. It's funny how I want to go now however I have already travelled through the whole world, isn't it?" He paused a bit but after taking a deep breath he continued. "It's still strange talking to a grave even if you are there. But it's getting easier every time. I feel like you are here again."

He stopped when the man reached him, then he whispered, "I loved you, Sara, I really did and now I miss you so much I don't know what I'll become without you again."

He turned around and saw Diggle standing a couple feets from him and watching him intently.

"Felicity called, she found the place where the new Vertigo is being made." After a couple seconds he asked, "You okay, man?"

"Yeah I just... visited a friend." he said and one last time he glanced back at the grave before he followed Diggle out of the cemetery and back to the foundry.

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**Here are the songs I was listening while I was writing:**

_\- Moddy- Stuck in the Waltz_

_\- Snow Patrol - Set Fire to the First Bar_

_\- Digital Daggers - Still Here_

_\- Civil Twilight - The Courage or the Fall_

_\- Jaymes Young - I'll be Good_

_\- Jaymes Young - Moondust_

_\- Fabrizio Paterlini - Week #3_

_\- Audiomachine - Unfinished Life_

_\- Matthew L. Fisher - The Almighty_


End file.
